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Look, I'm really sorry but the Muse of Silliness just won't
leave me alone. You'd think she'd have someone else to bother but oh no -
the demanding little minx lands in my bathroom at seven in the morning and
demands that a sequel to the Voyager Christmas Decorations be written right
God damn *now*. I think she is up to no good... Rated: PG-13 for general silliness, stupidity and all around
dorkiness. You have been warned. Disclaimer: I pinched these characters but not for profit. Really.
Please don't sue me Hallmark and Paramount 'cause I don't have any money. For immediate release: Hot on the heels of the first release of the
1999 line of new Voyager themed Christmas decorations comes the long awaited
second release featuring the rest of the crew and the Delta Quadrant aliens.
Todd Toddy Toddman of Hallmark(tm) design announced he was stunned by the
overwhelming positive response of the public to these decorations and they
were already working on a 2000 line featuring a remembrance line of dead
crew members. PONFARR 'ORAMA TUVOK Play the Delta Quadrant's favorite guessing game - Name the Due Date!
Each limited edition Tuvok comes with a randomly set timing chip. Tuvok may
go into Pon Farr this Christmas, or next, or the year after... You'll never
be sure when Pon Farr hilarity will ensue and the Tuvok decoration will
start muttering in Vulcan, crying for no reason and laughing out loud before
disappearing completely from the Christmas tree. Playing "Find the Crazed
Vulcan" will provide hours of post Christmas Day fun for the entire family.
Note: The batteries in the Tuvok Christmas decoration *must* be
removed before packing the item away for the following Christmas. Failure
to remove the batteries can result in the Pon Farr timing chip activating
during storage. The company takes no responsibility for any damage caused
to personal property as a result of failing to follow the instructions.
Reports of mysterious pet molestations in trial areas for this decoration
are unsubstantiated and should be ignored. BATHTUB FUN NEELIX
Doubles as nailbrush. Figure packaged with curry flavored chocolate
Prixin trees. TICKLE ME HARRY
Push his tummy and hear him stammer out one of six lovable phrases:
"You're cute, can I go out with you?", "Can I be your date?", "Please, I
need a date.", "Pleeasssseeeee - don't make me beg.", "Look I'm serious
about this, I really, really like you and want to be your friend." and "Can
I play my clarinet for you?". Glows in the dark. GRATUITOUS CHILD CREW MEMBER
Removable head. Can be Wesley (before puberty) or Naomi depending on
your preferences. Also, this year we are announcing our Star Trek alien line: GENERIC STANDARD ALIEN WITH BITS
Humanoid looking. Comes with fiddly bits to stick onto face to make it
alien. Includes the following: weird nose, weird ears, weird eyebrows,
weird teeth, weird hair and big bulgy forehead. GENERIC UNINTENTIONAL COMIC RELIEF ALIEN
Large and lumpy, these aliens can be molded into most shapes as long as
it looks like a potato. Add on the legs and arms and you to can create a
miracle in prosthetic SFX design. |
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So are we going to let Pon farr Tuvok and Shrew from hell Janeway be alone
on the same Christmas tree together? |
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